Oh, The Things That We’ve Done (evil laugh)

When we were in middle school, we hadn’t yet discovered the thrills and joys of pub quiz and other fun events that Beijing had to offer. So instead, we entertained ourselves through other creative ways. Most of the entertainment that we had was at the expense of others. I searched through my computer a few days ago and found several reminders of our past pranks sitting in a folder labeled “StephandSophjokesheehee.”

Victim #1: “D”
D
is one of our favorite victims. He has this long, dark, greasy hair and let’s just say he’s not the most attractive being around (that would be an understatement, actually). Sometimes he does things that are just asking to be made fun of. When we were bored, we would prank call him – usually we would have to hang up halfway through, due to our incessant giggling and gasping for air.

Our conversations would go a little like this:

US: Hello. Is this D?
D:
Yes.
US: (giggling) YOU WILL DIE IN SEVEN DAYS.
D: Who is this?
US: Hee hee hee. I mean, you will DIE in seven days. *heavy breathing*
D: Who is this??? I’m going to call the police!
US: *breathing*
D: I’m going to hang up now! And call the police!
US: (exhaling heavily in between giggles)
D: I’M GOING TO HANG UP NOW.

We would always be the ones to hang up. D would always say that he was going to hang up and call the police, but then stay on the line. We suspected that it was because he was so flattered to have real actual girls speaking to him that he didn’t want to ruin the moment by disconnecting. It seems like four years later, he’s still in the same situation – he probably wishes that girls would prank call him now. Some things just never change, do they?

Victim #2: MC
MC
also was one of our targeted victims in 8th grade. There was nothing really particularly bully-able about him; it was just that I had his number on my phone and he would also answer my texts immediately. So, if we wanted a guaranteed response, we would call MC. With MC, we were able to utilize two mediums to maximize our prank-time: phone AND e-mail.

Excerpt from phone conversation:
US: (in breathy, high-pitched voice) Hi, is this MC?
MC:
Yeah.
US: This is Candy, the prostitute you ordered.
MC: (getting excited) What???
US: Candy. The prostitute. What time should I come over?
MC: Wait, I don’t remember ordering a prostitute!
US: Well, obviously, you did. I’m at the gate right now. Tell the guards to let me in.
MC: What? No! You’re really here??
US: Yes. I’m always punctual. Let me in. I brought pizza.
MC: Pizza? (momentarily distracted) Wait, no! You can’t come here! My parents are home! (hangs up)

We later found out that MC had phoned the guards and specifically instructed them NOT to let a prostitute named Candy inside the neighborhood.

In a separate case, we created a fake e-mail account – I believe the exact address was sexylindseymessing@hotmail.com – and convinced him that we were a teacher from our school. The teacher was notorious for her curly-headed moptop and for going “Mmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” after almost everything you said, regardless of whether it was a question or a statement directed at her. She had a long, straight nose and wore a pair of wire-rimmed glasses perched on top. For some reason, I’m envisioning her with a birdhouse for a head right now. It must be the nose.

Anyway, I no longer have our chat logs – but MC was convinced that we were actually that teacher I think. Poor little gullible him.

Victim #3: SW
SW
was one of our good friends at the time, so it may have been a little mean to prank her (yeah, right). However, the premise was just too good to be true – we would prank her while she was pranking somebody else. It was a prank within a prank – just like a dream within a dream.

At the time, the whole “you will die in seven days” joke was still gut-wrenchingly hilarious (not so much anymore), and going strong. We encouraged SW to call someone and deliver the ominous message in an Indian accent (everything is funny in an Indian accent). She asked for JL’s number (JL is another bully-able student in our grade). However, seeing that the opportunity was too good to pass up, I gave her Mr. D‘s number. Mr. D was one of the scariest, strictest math teachers we had – his head would literally wobble on his tiny little knobbly body when he got angry. Rumor was it that he got fired from his previous school due to “anger management” problems – based on his anger at school, that rumor wasn’t too much of a stretch.

So SW dialed the number and yelled, in a dead-on Indian accent, “YOU WILL DIE IN SEVEN DAYS”, under the impression that she was talking to JL. Once she hung up, we all burst out into laughter, though for various different reasons – SW because she was laughing at what she thought to be JL’s fear, us because we knew that she had just told the most volatile teacher in the school that he was going to die in seven days (and seeing as he was already 60 or so, the message would particularly strike a nerve).

Once she stopped laughing, she noticed that we were still doubled up in mirth. We hysterically told her that she had called Mr. D and not JL. Slowly, the smile fell off her face and she grew angry (“WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?”)

Panicking, we said, “Haha! Just kidding! It was JL, not Mr. D!” She immediately relaxed after that.

To this day, SW still thinks that she called JL.

To this day, Mr. D still thinks that he has seven days to live.

Victim #4: Duncan Hines
Yes, we “pranked” Duncan Hines, the culinary company famous for its cake mixes, frosting, and other dessert-related products. The story is this: We went to the grocery store to purchase a can of Betty Crocker vanilla frosting to dip our chocolate-covered mint cookies in (I realize that this is just a heart attack waiting to happen). However, we noticed that there was a can of “Chocolate Buttercream” frosting, and of course anything with the words “butter” and “cream” in it must be delicious, so we purchased that instead. What we didn’t realize was that we had purchased Duncan Hines frosting and not Betty Crocker frosting – the packaging was basically the exact same. The chocolate “buttercream” tasted NO DIFFERENT than normal chocolate frosting. We were mad, and wrote this letter to the company:

I was purchasing frosting for my pastry chef husband and came across a can of your Chocolate Buttercream. Due to the vast similarities between the packaging of Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker, I was under the impression that I had purchased a Betty Crocker can of frosting. Upon realizing my mistake, I decided to take a risk and try your “Chocolate Buttercream”, as I had never heard of such a flavor and the Duncan Hines company looked to be trustworthy.

 However, I was sadly disappointed. Upon eating your frosting, I was not able to taste any hint of any sort of buttery goodness. I felt bitterly misled. If I had wanted chocolate frosting, I would have purchased chocolate frosting, not chocolate buttercream frosting. While this may seem like a trivial issue, let me assure you it is not. My cupcakes turned out to taste horrendously different then they would have had I used Betty Crocker’s Chocolate Frosting. As a consumer, I do not particularly enjoy being tricked and deceived. Next time, I hope when I purchase a particular frosting of yours, I taste what is presented on the label.

 I was insulted, as your frosting was labeled, no doubt by scheming marketers in the high hopes of beguiling innocent frosting consumers such as myself. It was a disastrous waste of my hard-earned money. I will have you know that I set aside a portion of my pocket money each week especially for frosting and digestive related purposes (I am often constipated). I do not appreciate paying to be tricked.

I sat there, spooning the frosting into my mouth bit by bit, and was waiting for the buttery goodness to sprinkle my taste buds with waves of pleasure. Yet one can of frosting later, the buttery joy still had not come.

 If Duncan Hines continues to cozen consumers, I will have no choice but to advise all my friends (including my frosting club) to stop purchasing your products. We retract our decision to feature you as Frosting of the Month, thanks to your trickery, which I feel I am justified in comparing it to the work of Satan. Not only was the labeling faulty but your website’s customer services are simply abominable. After trying multiple times to email the company, I was shocked to discover that the company asks for not only our address but our home telephone numbers. I can see no reason for this shocking invasion of privacy. Who do you even think you are, Duncan? The government?

 I hope the Duncan Hines Company proves to be more reliable than their faulty false labeling. Trust me – I am not the only one who feels so strongly about this incident. I also asked my extremely experienced friends, who happen to be very familiar in this field (one of which made the quarterfinals of “Top Chef” before being eliminated), as well as my pastry chef husband to taste the frosting. They determined that your so called “Chocolate Buttercream” frosting tasted no different than your average Chocolate frosting.

 There are no words strong enough to express my deep regret and sorrow. I am appalled that I would be so crookedly fooled. While I understand that this false labeling may be due to Satanistic advertising techniques, deceiving customers is not acceptable. I suggest the company finds a different name for their frosting, one that cannot be misinterpreted in any other way. If you were indeed so desperate to come up with a name for your “Chocolate Buttercream” frosting, I suggest “Triple Fudge Chocolate Frosting”, as there is no possible way to misinterpret this name. Unless, of course, you somehow screw up again and make your chocolate frosting taste the same as your vanilla frosting.

 To make up for my emotional distress, I suggest you enclose a $10 voucher for free frosting to make up for my loss. And since I purchased at least ten cases of frosting; I would like Duncan Hines to reimburse my loss, even though I consumed them all (so I could write an educated complaint letter). To guarantee my satisfaction (as according to the Satisfaction Guaranteed label you so proudly display on the can), I would like Duncan Hines to reimburse my purchases of 10 cases of frosting with a different flavor of my choice. If this is not achievable, I would also accept gift vouchers and/or checks. Cash would also be acceptable. If I am not reimbursed, you will be notified by my lawyers, whom I am in the process of contacting. I am trying to get O.J. Simpson’s lawyers, so you have the right to feel threatened.

After writing that letter, we vowed to NEVER again purchase ANY Duncan Hines products. We even went so far as to hide the Duncan Hines frosting cans behind the Betty Crocker ones at the grocery store. This vow was kept for four years.

However, last weekend, I had a brownie-craving, and went to the store in search of the perfect chewy brownie mix. As Betty Crocker only had the normal double-fudge brownie mix, I had no other choice but to buy the Duncan Hines “Chewy Fudge Brownie” mix.

And I hate HATE to say it, but they were delicious.

And I hate to say this MORE, but I think chocolate buttercream frosting is meant to taste the same as chocolate frosting.

Victim #5: The Indian population
For those of you who don’t know what MUN (Model United Nations), it’s basically just a bunch of students dressing up and writing resolutions in an attempt to simulate the real United Nations. The conferences that we attend are astronomically boring, unless they are attractive delegates we can spy on (this rarely if never ever happens).

As always, jokes about Indians never cease to be funny – so we wrote this mock letter of complaint about the delegate of India:

 To the Model United Nations Director:

                We regret to inform you that the Delegate of India has been disallowed from future MUN conferences, effective immediately. During the fifteenth annual BEIMUN conference, the delegate found guilty of the following activities:

 1)       Was seen sticking red dots on the foreheads of other delegates.

2)       Was seen eating with hands and feet.

3)       Smelled bad.

4)       Was spotted walking around barefoot.

5)       Prayed in the middle of open debate.

6)       Questioned other delegates about Hinduism during Points of Information.

7)       Informed delegates that they would not be reincarnated as an honorable animal upon any delegate’s inability to answer any Points of Information regarding Hinduism.

8)       Was heard encouraging other delegates to change from formal wear to saris.

9)       Wore the same pair of underwear throughout the duration of the three day conference.

10)    Was spotted lying down in the meat section of Jenny Lou’s in protest of killing cows to sell beef.

11)    Claimed to be a reincarnation of Mahatma Gandhi, the terrorist.

12)    Wore only a thin sheet wrapped around body as a “sari.”

13)    Was seen buying all the hand towels at Jenny Lou’s to wear as turbans.

14)    Was seen embellishing said “turbans” with a hot glue gun and rhinestones during the middle of the conference.

15)    Used glue gun as weapon upon being told by the chairs to refrain from all turban decorating activities during conference.

16)    Was heard speaking in an on-off Indian accent.

17)    Was seen selling naan at conference break times.

18)    Was heard requesting the microphone to be lowered to squatting level.

19)    Was spotted trying to gather delegates to form a cricket team.

20)    Was seen spreading prayer mat out in the center of the conference room.

21)    Was heard asking for the direction of Mecca (seems confused as to what religion delegate belongs to)

22)    Condemned delegate to “Indian Hell” upon said delegate speaking against his resolution.

23)    Was spotted eating beef, and quickly claimed it was “imitation beef” despite the fact that the beef was rare and leaking blood.

24)    Resumed the fetal position upon hearing that the popular Bollywood actress, Aishwarya Rai, was dead, and refused to be uncurled.

25)    Sang the Indian national anthem in a loud voice upon hearing that Aishwarya Rai, was in fact, alive and well.

26)    Launched into a furious speech about vows upon hearing the words “God” or “Indian.”

27)    Talked about the “hotness” of cows when the fun debate was about Jessica Alba vs. Sophia Bush.

28)    Wrote resolution on why India should be the “Gandhi of the World.”

29)    Threatened to kill all delegates when said resolution went immediately into voting procedures with no speeches going for, and failed unanimously with an exception of 1 vote for (Delegate of India).

30)    Was overheard wishing for another delegate to be “destroyed by Shiva the destroyer.”

31)    Was seen selling prayer mats at the conference room entrance.

32)    Was spotted replacing all chairs in the conference room with prayer mats.

33)    Was spotted throwing burgers on the ground and rolled over them with prayer mats (despite the fact that they were chicken burgers).

34)    Took the floor, and instead made a speech trying to convert other delegates to Hinduism, when the topic was “The preservation of freshwater ecosystems.”

35)    Refused to address the chairs as “chair” and addressed them as “Our Holy God, Krishna” instead.

36)    Petitioned for “Motion to Increase Prayer Time”, and glared at the chairs suspiciously when said motion was rejected.

37)    Addressed “Shiva” and “Vishnu” in opening speech instead of “honorable chairs and esteemed delegates.”

38)    Refused to be addressed as “Delegate of India” and instead as “Our Holy Messenger of Shiva.”

39)    Slapped a delegate upon said delegate mistaking him for the Delegate of Bangladesh.

40)    Refused to eat for 21 minutes as a tribute to Mahatma Gandhi’s 21 day hunger strike in 1932.

41)    Slapped the delegate of the UK for “being the bastard that set up the British East India Company” in the 18th century.

42)    Called China’s One-Child Policy “stupid” and encouraged all delegates to have as many children as possible.

43)    Was being noisy by jangling wrist bangles together.

44)    Petitioned for the next MUN conference to be held at the Taj Mahal.

Sincerely Yours,

BEIMUN Director

 Even as time passes, Indian jokes never stop being funny. Cheers.

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About urbanfancies

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